Current morning run report
Having taken a break from my morning hill runs due to recent extreme weather, I was happy this morning to resume pre-dawn hill walk/run exploration. Not only did I run up various hill grades with ease, but also actually ran on level ground for over 5 blocks!!! This may not sound like much distance to non-injured people, but after nearly two years of recovery, during which I often struggled with merely walking, it was cause for celebration in my book!
My knee feels strange while running, in that the signals are unclear. There is likely some nerve damage due both to the emergency repair surgery and to the hardware removal surgery. I can’t describe the odd sensation as pain; more as of a lack of elastic response. The challenge thus becomes not pulling down with my attention to the weird knee sensations, and instead attending to a wider view of my self and the world beyond my self. If I pull down to the knee, my gait becomes clumsy and heavy. If I expand, instead, to the sights, sounds and potentially springy response of my whole self, my gait becomes more even, lighter, and happiness in running resumes. I don’t intend to ignore pain in any way, but to attend to the entire self and thus to cues for appropriate moderation in activity. The bigger view is more accurate than the specific view.
Now, of course, being the vigor-interested person that I am, I want to sprint! Have I learned patience? NO! Have I learned the consequences of impatience? YES!
I will await the experience of sprinting with a happy curiosity.
Vigor and exploration: post injury
It is 21 months today since emergency surgery to repair my fractured patella. What an unexpectedly long, hard road it has been! The journey thus far has required more determination and dedication than I thought was possible for me, skilled expert assistance, and every ounce of Alexander thinking that I could muster. Much has been learned, much loss has been digested. This serious injury changed my life in uncountable ways, and recovery has informed me beyond what I can as yet express.
Due to unseasonably inclement weather conditions, I have temporarily suspended my morning hill runs. There is no point in end-gaining beyond my current condition of self, nor beyond the external conditions over which I have absolutely no control. Despite this hiatus in learning to run again, my stamina, strength and range of movement have improved!
As well as walking with pre-injury speed and ease an average of 6 miles each day, I have also been guided in whole body strengthening by my superb Gyrotonic/Gyrokinesis instructor Lindsey. Her work, as in all Gryotonic/Gyrokinesis work, complements Alexander principles of thinking with the entire self in activity, and takes that thinking into vigorous exploration. Lindsey worked with me previous to injury, and thus knows my habits of response well. (She also takes Alexander lessons with me, and thus we can share a language of instruction.) Lindsey has assisted me not only in recovery from injury (addressing asymmetry in use, need to strengthen atrophied leg, and making the often painful and challenging process fun and interesting), but also helped me resolve patterns of use that were in place previous to injury. She has contributed hugely to my recovery to date, and no doubt will continue to do so in the future.
Currently, I am not only stronger, but experiencing strength from a newly comprehensive balance of use.
Physical therapy continues as I still experience limitations due to injury. Walking down steep hills remains scary and difficult as my knee does not yet have the elastic response to support me with confidence. My back still protests the asymmetry of leg function. And perhaps, most importantly, fear informs me more than I would prefer in some activities.
And yet, I have come an incredibly long way from the severe limitations in movement that I endured earlier in recovery. Pain is no longer a constant presence, more of a cue than a companion.
I am ever grateful for the expert guidance that has made my recovery possible, and for the Alexander principles which underpinned my psychic survival. Allowing time, requesting quiet, having a larger view, and refusing to end gain, as well as thinking with the entire self, are just a few of the skills that have helped me remain somewhat sane in this long and challenging recovery.
Running progress!
Big thrill this morning! After running up a series of hills, and feeling no pain in knee or foot, I ran on level grade for 2 blocks!! I resumed walking when I had the vaguest protest from my knee (end-gaining will do me no good, as evidenced by all my experience since injury). It has been 20 months and 12 days since I could run on level grade, a very long time for a person whose main speed is “go”.
And, I have a much more even gait in running up hill, instead of the rather lurching non-integrated gait of previous months. This indicates a more balanced elastic response through my whole self.
The condition of self improves in increments that add up, with time, patience and attention to overall use. Hope resumes that I can run on the beach in Kauai in December, at least a little distance, just for the overwhelming joy of running in the surf as the sun rises and stars begin to fade into dawn, with stars reflected in the black volcanic sands of Kauai and the ocean licking my happy feet.
Mobility progresses and hand pain as challenge
So, the good news: bipedal mobility proceeds joyfully, 20 months after injury! Although running on flat surfaces is still too much impact for my injured (patella fracture) knee, my morning hill runs go along with incrementally increasing ease.
I am also able to pursue vigorous exploration of Gyrotonic and Gyrokinesis exercise on a continuously challenging basis. Although I require knee pads for kneeling, I can now do most of a Gyrokinesis class without fear of knee pain.
The formerly inflamed metatarsal area has also quieted, and only signals when I am pushing beyond current elastic condition of self. Between my knee and my foot, I now have an excellent cueing system for end-gaining!
I have worked hard to get to this state of recovery, and with the assistance of wise experts in other modalities. 20 months after injury, I remain dedicated to achieving full function and mobility, and very happy to be making good progress!
Now, you would think after all the pain and frustration I have experienced that I would get a reprieve. But no, there is yet more to learn about pain and response to pain! Now my left thumb joint is hugely painful from an as yet undiagnosed cause. This means that even the simplest opposable digit action in my left hand causes a great wince of pain. Hand use being rather essential to being an upright primate, and especially for an Alexander teacher, this is both a concern and an opportunity for learning.
Pain in my hand/thumb causes me to narrow and shorten in an unproductive attempt to guard and protect. In activities other than teaching, I am having to quiet a fixed attention on a part, and instead expand to a larger view. As previously stated in this blog, I am not suggesting a repression of pain signals, but an expansion of attention to the wider, larger self.
I notice that while teaching, when my attention is large and my intention is global, my thumb joint rarely hurts. So, according to F.M. Alexander’s described experience of his own challenges with voicing, this indicates there is something I am not doing while teaching that diminishes cause of pain, and something I am doing that increases pain otherwise. Whether this is a structural imbalance, an arthritic condition or a perceptual inaccuracy is as yet unclear. The choice I have as a student and a teacher of the Alexander Technique is to apply principles of dynamic non-interference, and seek expert assistance beyond my skill set. I can refuse to narrow or shorten in response to pain. There are physical rules over which I have no control, but I can choose my response.
The joys of mobility progress
After a year and nearly 8 months since patella fracture, I am now experiencing the joyous resumption of vigorous activity, following numerous set backs, many delays, further injuries and a test of patience that nearly made me insane with frustration. Without the tools and principles of the Alexander Technique, my insanity may well have been confirmed!
My recovery has also relied upon the necessary assistance of experts in other disciplines that are compatible with Alexander thinking, most notably intelligent whole-person Physical Therapy, Osteopathy, and the comprehensive strengthening of Gyrotonic exercise. As an Alexander teacher, I have been able to bring a skill of intention and attention to the use of my self in the process of recovery. However, the experience of patella fracture and the requirements for full recovery in function have needed expert guidance far beyond my own skills.
Currently, I am thrilled to be able to run up hills every morning with some degree of ease. Running on level ground or running down even a slight grade is more impact than my injured knee can handle. There is no point in going beyond my current condition of self! Since running up hills is a bit easier every day, my hope is that my use of self and balance of strength will allow running on any grade with ease before too very long. My intention and hope is to be able to run on the pre-dawn beach in Kauai in December, with the stars reflected in the sand under my feet and the ocean licking my heels in a rhythm that spells utter delight.
Gyrotonic exercise explorations have also expanded in possibility. Many movements that previously challenged my injured knee can now be accomplished, as long as I continue to attend to my entire elastic self in response to movement stimulus. In other words, allowing the dynamic pause between stimulus and response so that the activity can do itself. Another way that I express this to my students is “going from undoing to doing without doing too much”.
I love my morning hill runs. I know all the locations where I can hear and observe various birds, and how the air shifts so that the scent of Puget Sound informs me. End gaining, as in pushing myself to run, is fruitless, and only results in pain and inflammation. Every morning hill run is unique and requires a willingness for new experience, for allowing the current condition of self to indicate appropriate vigor. If I hurry myself, I use myself poorly and suffer later. If I allow internal time and quiet the hurry-urgency, my use improves and I can accelerate with ease. There is a large difference between hurrying and moving quickly with good use.
And this all speaks, of course, to the long journey of recovery, of which I know far more than I ever wanted to know, and during which I learned more than I had previously believed possible. I am grateful for the learning, deeply appreciative of the very refined help I received, and ultimately hopeful that my challenging experience will somehow benefit others.
Urban mobility: great improvement
Mobility limitations and pain have receded, and desired activity proceeds!
I flew to NYC for the first time since hardware removal surgery. Although the cabin pressure and lengthy hours of sitting still inflame my knee, the discomfort is minimal compared to the excruciating pain I experienced when the hardware was still in place. This was a pleasant and very welcome difference. I could walk off the plane and proceed to public transport with ease, rather than hobble off the plane and limp to the subway. Grace in transport of my self was renewed.
While in NYC, I was very thrilled to average, according to my trusty pedometer, about 10 miles per day of walking, with some days of 15 miles! This was accomplished with ease and speed and tremendous joy. I also walked up and down numerous subway, hotel, and museum stairs with ease.
All of this improved mobility meant I could enjoy the city with great happiness and huge gratitude for my renewed mobility. I enjoyed time with friends, delighted in seeing art and parks and favorite trees, and experienced the city I deeply love without having to attend to knee pain. This is a quite different experience from even 6 months ago!
While in NYC, lessons with John Nicholls further improved my elastic connection to the ground, and overall expansion of self. I have been studying with John for over 20 years now, and find his lessons continuously inspiring. My condition of self always benefits from his work, and my respiratory response deepens and widens. Breathing and use of self become one and the same condition, which is a very joyous experience.
What a gift this improved mobility presents! I returned home able to run up hills in my morning explorations in an even more vigorous manner. Soon, I hope, I will be able to run on the flat (more impact) with ease and joy!
Hurray!
The minimalist run
Recovery from patella fracture sidelined me in numerous ways that have been amply described over the past year and a half. Being able to accomplish simple daily activities without pain or restriction has required continuous dedication, lots of help from other professionals, and patience beyond my personal limits. The fact that I can now walk with ease, pursue Gyrotonic exercise full tilt, and live with minimal pain brings me much joy, relief and gratitude. And, as I have expressed frequently in this blog, my hope and intention is to resume the joy of running again. Moving with exhilaration and rhythm calms my mind and eases emotional noise. Running in the morning air and light was my means of balancing my entire self previous to injury, and I have missed that joyous experience deeply.
During the past few weeks, I have been walking carefully down not so steep hills and walking quickly up very steep hills to strengthen an entire balance of tone with good use and elastic wholeness. Today, I actually accelerated into a run up two short hills!!!!!
The injured knee was confused, and the uneven strength of my legs was distractingly obvious. One leg is responsive and elastic, and the other is slow and heavy in response. New brain maps have to be developed and coaxed. My gait can only be described as uneven, clunky and unintegrated. All of my Alexander thinking can’t override the results of 18 months of very asymmetrical use.
Knowing all too well the downside of pushing beyond a current condition of self, I am proceeding with care and awareness. I am resisting (with difficulty) a plan to increase running, attending to the means-whereby, delighting in progress, and accepting whatever pace my morning hill walk reveals.
Delights: Absence of pain, renewed mobility
A year and a half after injury, I am at last experiencing steady progress and reliable strength. Pain in my foot and/or knee arises now and then like an old outdated message, but not enough to seriously limit mobility. I am walking with ease and speed an average of 4 miles daily, with frequent days of twice that mileage. I limp far less, sleep with only minimal pain, and rejoice constantly in increased activity. My injured leg is still less muscular and responsive than my non-injured (and over-strong) leg, but balance in bipedal strength continues to improve.
Old pre-injury habits of use have become more apparent as the fog and distraction of pain and partial function clears. Having learned from my numerous set backs, I am ever attentive to using myself well as the possibility of more vigorous activity becomes a welcome reality. I approach all increased activity with a happy curiosity as to how to light up my entire self with an intention of ease and balance. I want to dynamically refuse any narrowing or shortening, so as not to imperil my new-found freedom with end-gaining beyond my current condition of self, and yet appropriately challenge myself to increase balanced strength. It is a finely tuned line to walk, but clearly not impossible.
No, I am not yet running, but I am deeply enjoying morning walks up steep hills (and the necessarily careful walks down hills). My Gyrotonic sessions have expanded, deepened and refined in explorations of grounding to spring into action with ease and whole self awareness.
This arduous recovery has required time, attention, tremendous assistance from other experts, and a constant application of Alexander principles. It is nearly impossible for me to imagine recovering from a serious injury without Alexander principles as a deep source of informative intention, or without the guidance of complimentary disciplines. We are elastically integrated systems, us human animals. A change anywhere in ourselves means change in our entire selves, for good or for ill. Whether we are injured or non-injured, our only choice is in our response.
As always, I am grateful to professionals who have assisted me and continue to support my progress. I am also deeply thankful for my dedicated students, who have witnessed, experienced and been compassionately patient with my long and difficult recovery. My intention has been, and continues to be, that communication about applying Alexander principles to injury recovery will assist others, for the best outcome of all concerned.
Impatience, inhibition and vigorous exploration
It has been one year, 5 months and 20 days since I was last able to enjoy running through the morning air, and all the associated delights of moving with ease, speed, rhythm and timelessness that running means for me. Recovery from injury has proceeded with many bumps, set backs, discoveries, moments of welcome progress, and incremental victories. (Being able to walk down stairs with ease stands out, for instance.) The possibility of using myself well even with considerable physical limitations and rather constant pain has yielded an ever deepening confidence in Alexander principles.
Patience has never been a major aspect of my being. I am constitutionally restless, over-quick in thinking and in temperament, reactive in nature. My chosen mode is “go!”, but this lengthy recovery has forced me to a nearly intolerable “slow”. My tolerance for a reduced pace in being has challenged me at the very deepest levels of self.
The foot pain has thankfully retreated to a murmuring discomfort rather than a crashing interruption. The deep impatience and overwhelming urgency to run tempts end-gaining beyond my current condition of self. Having learned the risks of pushing beyond limitations, and yet desperate for the delights of vigorous motion, I have chosen the means-whereby of activity in which I can use myself intelligently.
So, I dress in the early morning as though I am going for a run. Then, I don’t literally run, but walk my run route (formerly called my “faux run”) with the added detail of walking with vigor up hills. It is challenging, fun, and an almost run experience. I can observe my use in energetic movement, hear birds, see trees and flowers, smell the morning marine air, disperse my excess emotional energy, allow thinking to quiet to a dull roar.
Walter Carrington’s wise advice that one always has time to attend to use of the self takes on a larger meaning with a long term recovery from injury. I struggle with allowing time, but acceptance, and an intention for dynamic non-interference (inhibition) are the only tools that are effective for me.
One of these mornings, I will spontaneously accelerate into a run. Time will blur and slow, distance will minimize, and an exhilarated sense of being will renew itself like the wind.
Every change shifts the entire Self
As I often tell my students, a change anywhere in the self changes the entire elastic Self. There is no isolation in structural change, as the entire self is continuously and elastically connected. This notion is evidenced by the foot pain I have experienced in the last month.
More clarity was revealed when I saw my Osteopathic doctor this week. Dr. Bensky determined that the forcible (and necessary) immobilization of my leg during hardware removal surgery had diminished the elastic response of that leg, so that the foot had few choices but to become painfully inflamed. The forcible fixing of my leg also instigated back spasms, as my entire self had to accommodate unnatural stabilization.
From an Alexander point of view, this makes great sense, as F.M. Alexander saw the entire self as integrated, and all responses interwoven and inseparable.
After Dr. Bensky’s work on me, my back became temporarily far more painful, then much better. I had the opportunity to visit with Walker the horse, a very handsome and sweet-natured animal. He was patient with my painful condition, and also a bit alarmed by my sudden needs to accommodate pain. Horses don’t miss any detail in human coordination!
My foot has improved significantly. I can walk now with only minor pain, and have hopes that even this discomfort will quiet with good use and expert intervention.
Hope returns for continued recovery to full and pain free mobility. It has been a very long journey, and possible in progress with assistance from skilled and like-minded professionals of several disciplines. The big lesson continues: attend to the entire self so that specific results occur from improvement of the whole condition of self, and the manner of use supporting the improvement of whole self condition.