Post Injury: deeper recovery questions
The following questions currently linger for me without expectation of answers. As I continue to apply Alexander principles as best I can to long-term recovery, a coordination of self may reveal new solutions.
How do I use myself well in the sudden position of vastly increased dependency?
How do I keep depression and despair at bay when my preferred and life-long tools for emotional balance (vigorous activities) are no longer available?
Since my identity was partially based on being independent, mobile and physically strong, who am I now that I am dependent, not fully mobile, and much weakened?
Can I survive several months of only being able to wear the 2 pairs of pants that fit over my brace? This question may seem superficial, but hints at a much deeper issue, which is the shifted self-perception and challenged vanity of being in a physical state and definition that is unfamiliar.
What new coping skills am I learning in this experience?
Teaching with an Injury
Following upon my previous posts about use with a compromised elastic structure, I have further observations based on my experience of teaching, now to my full schedule, since March 5. Although this post is primarily directed for the use of my Alexander colleagues, it will hopefully also benefit anyone intending to return to activities while recovering from injury.
Since my surgeon doesn’t understand what I do or how I do what I do (I plan to offer him a lesson, by the way), he was not at all enthusiastic about my plan to return to work. Despite his reluctance, I knew that teaching would enhance my recovery, as I would be required, in teaching, to be newly refined in my entire use of self.
Monkey, in a usual interpretation, is not an option for me. One knee absolutely cannot bend, not even slightly. But a “possible monkey”, meaning that I direct head going up and forward, whole back lengthening and widening, arms undoing out of whole back, and knees directed forward of whole back, allows solutions for coordinated movement. If my student becomes “heavy” (pulls him/her self down), I can accept that weight to enhance my own elastic response through my entire self. I spring up with their weight, and the student gets a new message for response. All proceeds well, despite my stiffened leg. I end up in some version of lunge or “one legged monkey” with ease. Any weight goes through me to the ground. All effort becomes invisible as the available elastic response becomes balanced and available in the moment.
My students have not reported (although perhaps they are being kind!) any reduced direction or support from my hands. In fact, most have been pleased and surprised to report an actual improvement in the clarity of direction that they are getting. I credit this to the increased necessity for awareness that I must bring to the activity of teaching in order to take good care of myself. This is a real demonstration that the skill of teaching the Alexander Technique requires, first, foremost and continuously, the teacher’s refined use of the instrument of self.
This is not to suggest that I don’t get tired. My structure and functioning are hugely compromised, and despite my good use, I am compensating for my fully extended leg in ways I can’t begin to know. I need to do a lie-down between lessons, and do my Gyrokinesis “rehab” routine at my lunch break, just to reduce swelling in my knee and to re-energize my entire self. My back aches from lifting my injured leg to walk, and my neck is not free. None of this means I can’t teach well! My job as an Alexander teacher is not to be perfect, not to end-gain to a specific form, but to consciously choose the best possible response in the moment, with whatever structure and function I have available.
This is all a huge lesson for me, and I hope a beneficial lesson for my students. Injury can potentially enhance good use, as thinking with the whole self takes on a different resonance and necessity. We can make the best possible outcome of whatever condition of self we are currently experiencing.
Re-energizing the Entire Self
With any injury, slight or severe, chronic or acute, the typical human reaction is to limit flow of movement and intentional inclusion of the injured area. This limitation spells out a reduction in elastic response, as well as a deadening of muscle and nerve connections. A general diminishing personal energy also becomes a challenge in continuing to heal the whole self.
Obviously, I am applying my tools of attention and intention to use my entire self as an elastic instrument as much as I am capable of doing. However, knowing that I need further guidance and assistance, I asked Master Gyrokinesis Instructor, Mia Munroe, to come by my office and help me energize my entire self in movement that was possible for me in my current condition of self.
Gyrokinesis (and Gyrotonic, which utilizes pulley equipment) apply principles that are wonderfully consistent with Alexander principles. It is an approach that includes the entire thinking muscular self in a joyous, challenging and endlessly interesting manner. I have been exploring and experiencing Gyrokinesis and Gyrotonic for 12 years now, and credit the system, in conjunction with my Alexander skills, with my high level of strength and flexibility.
Mia gave me a Gyrokinesis “rehab” routine that I can do on my own to maintain a level of balanced strength and a steady energetic flow, all sourced in good use of respiration. I had a long teaching schedule yesterday, which could easily have been depleting and increased soreness in my injured leg. Instead, using both my Alexander direction and the Gyrokinesis routine between lessons, I was able to have energy, enthusiasm, and confidence through a full day of teaching with a compromised elastic self.
For anyone seeking recovery in a dynamic way, I recommend not only the deep, ongoing learning of the Alexander Technique, but also the intelligence in movement that Gyrokinesis supports. Recovery needs to be active, and involve dynamic participation for injured people to own and direct their return to fullest function possible. I am finding more “passive” forms of treatment such as acupuncture and manual osteopathy extremely important as well, but being the activity enthusiast that I am, more dynamic means are of huge value, and I believe are of value for anyone.
Contact information for Gyrokinesis and Gyrotonic:http://www.miamunroe.com / phone: 561 234 9531 (in Seattle area)
http://www.gyrotonicseattle.com/ phone: 206 784 7895
ALL of the instructors at Gyrotonic Seattle are deeply trained and very skilled!
One Speed Teacher
My dear mother has often said that I have one speed: go. Considering currently limited conditions of self, my one speed is: slow.In the marvelous collection of talks by Walter Carrington, Thinking Aloud, one of his lectures is “Taking Time”. He suggests that we always have time to inhibit and direct, and that the very notion of giving ourselves time shifts our use. We have to take the time to give ourselves time, but that allowance of time can change how we respond in the moment.
Suddenly, I have all kinds of time. A walk that previously took me about 10 minutes now requires about 40 minutes. Impatience, emotional dismay, and a sense of needing to go faster only increase my mind chatter and muscular contraction. I have to stop myself, take time to allow coordination and ease, request elasticity and balance, and accept the pace that is inherent with my condition of self. This is not easy for me, but it is what is required.
During a lesson, this need to take time is very useful. The larger field of awareness that putting hands on students and moving them requires is expanded further by the necessity to take time. A new balance of thinking and moving is revealing itself.
I have always moved more quickly than most folks, been more active, and delighted in my speed. Now, I have to value taking time, relinquishing hurry, enjoying the slow lane.
I keep looking for ways to be grateful for this devastating injury. Perhaps I am beginning to find a means of being grateful for having to have just one unfamiliar, very slow and observant pace.
Gratitude expression
Expressing gratitude is an important aspect of my continuing recovery. The kind thoughtfulness of the folks listed may also provide clues to those seeking to care for injured family members and friends in the future.
Profound and deep thanks to: Marty for patience, love and expert leg-lifting; the caring and skilled people at Group Health, especially surgeon Dr. Mahommed; Yoshiro and Maureen for transformative treatments; Lindsey for daily espresso delivery as well as good company; Robert for a generous gift certificate to Amazon (I am knee deep in books!); Annie, Jeannie, Bobby and Darlene for delicious food deliveries; Ken and Deb for cookies and consistently amusing emails and voice mails; Jean for flowers and farmer’s market shopping delights; Marilyn for cat clicker and trash reading; Magali for quiche, croissants and wonderful company; Diane for books, flowers and intriguing conversation; Darlene for taxi service and love; Ann for patient snail walk company; Dr.Bonehead for absurdist handicap recommendations (let’s all party in the handicap stall!); Megan for magazines, PCC gift certificate and daily cheer; Lorna for home baked bread; Michael for friendship in sickness and in health; Joanne for a gorgeous bouquet; my dear, loyal students for encouragement, supportive emails, and enthusiasm expressed for my return to teaching; Mia and Lindsey for Gyrokinesis rehab guidance; John for teaching me the skills to respond elastically: Carmella for insistence on play as a daily requirement; Ella the dog and Ruffles the dog for being excited to see me again; and all who have expressed sympathy, support and confidence in my recovery via email, snail mail, voice mail or in person. The above list is not in order of importance! Every person’s (or animal’s) contribution has been very important!
I am grateful! Thank you!
Directing with the Whole (imperfect) Self
Happily, I returned to the work I love yesterday. As stated in a previous post, teaching the Alexander Technique requires me to be aware of my entire self in a refined and ongoing manner. In teaching, I extend the use of myself, through hands- on contact, to my pupils to create a broad field of awareness, elasticity, and dynamic ease.
This required refinement that seems infinite in possibility is one of the reasons that I chose this profession. It is far more than a job to me; it is a way of being, a joyous exploration, and a means of contributing to the world.
Giving lessons with one leg in forced full extension increases the demand for my refined attention, for non-end-gaining, and for active allowance of new solutions, previously unknown to me, to present themselves. There are several protective reactions that I need to actively inhibit. One is the temptation to let my stiffened leg go dead. The immediate clues are that my knee aches, and my torso narrows, especially through the tops of my arms, as support from the ground has been reduced. If I stop, energize through both legs, request a balance of tone with what is available to me, discomfort lessens, and I can re-widen so that my arms are connected to my renewed contact with the ground.
The other protective reaction (which I have noticed in students with knee injuries or pain), is to pull up off my injured leg. This also results in a narrowing through the torso and knee discomfort, as my weight is no longer moving through to the ground, thus reducing overall elasticity. Scary as it may be in the moment, if I direct my weight through my legs into the ground, despite limitations in the injured leg, I then experience an increased volume of support in my torso, and can begin to spring up with more ease. Anxiety also quiets.
I may have to repeat these inhibitions/directions a hundred times, a thousand times as I teach. In this way, I will strengthen new neural pathways of response, which will in turn strengthen the muscular activity that is truly supportive. The Technique is always indirect. We don’t fix the part, we clarify larger intention, which cues the nervous system, which changes muscular tone, which results in a new experience of overall support and coordination.
I have a month of full leg extension during which to unlearn contractive reactions with this condition of self, and to signal new, expansive responses. Then, if all has gone well with bone healing, I will have a brace that allows 30 degrees knee flexion, and a new condition of self for continued direction.
As always, my intention is that these posts convey information that is useful for students and colleagues beyond my specific situation. My hope is to keep the balance tipped toward awareness, and steer clear of the non-productive pitfalls of self absorption which lurk for anyone recovering from injury and pain.
Use with Changing Conditions
Using oneself well in all activities does not require anything like perfection in structure or functioning. Structure, function and use all influence one another, like a fluidly connected trinity. Use is the aspect where we have dynamic choice.
Use, in Alexander terms, could be defined as a distribution of tone throughout the entire self, especially in response to stimulus. Dynamic non-interference and directed thinking with the whole self change use, which affects functioning, which to some degree can affect structure. Structure and function may well challenge use, yet use remains a dynamic choice.
I had learned in the past two weeks, with determination and creativity, to use myself as well as possible with a leg length splint. Both my structure and functioning were very far from perfect, but I could make the best possible use of myself in the conditions at hand. My use could not heal the shattered patella, but my use could assist how I was accomplishing activities with a shattered patella.
Today, the splint was exchanged for a brace device which takes my leg into even more vigorous extension. The sensations are strange and disturbing, balance and mobility are unfamiliar in a whole new way, and my structure is clearly challenged. The use of myself is the place where I can make a difference. So, with these changed and challenging conditions of self, I have to renew dynamic non-interference and directed thinking in order to have the best possible balance of tone with the structure and function available to me.
Here are my intentions, directed in a continuous and circular fashion:
*Allow the ground to support me as I spring up
*Allow widening so that arms and legs undo from the torso, thus giving more connection to the ground
*Send my head up and forward with the elastic support of my whole self
There, that’s better!
Using a cane with Alexander principles
Although I can weight-bear just fine on the injured leg, the immobilization of the knee, which changes my balance, makes a cane a wise accessory. Thus, I have been noticing how to utilize a cane with good use of myself. I have worked with pupils over the years in using their canes. Now, I have direct experience to further inform me in guiding others.
As stated previously, my beautiful maple cane is not necessary for support, but is a reassuring tool for balance as I proceed on daily snail walks. To use myself well, and to continue with my direction of “on the ground springing up”, I think of the cane as an extension of my arm to the ground. I loop the connection to the ground through the cane all the way through my entire back and to my feet again. An elastic connection is thus created. My leg may be stiff, but I can have an elastic response with what is available to me.
I don’t lean on the cane, just as I wouldn’t lean on a leg. It is a reference point, and a connection, to the ground from which I can spring up. Since the cane is made of wood (maple), I think of it as a lively connection.
If my injured leg goes into sudden spasm (all the muscles are being used is a strange and demanding manner), I can use the cane for needed stability in the moment. The contraction (narrowing, shortening) of fear is eased in this way.
Tomorrow, I graduate to a brace that will allow a slight increase in knee flexion. I am eager to shed the heavy, huge, solid splint, with all gratitude for the protection it offered post surgery. I am hoping to proceed to being a tortoise, having learned from being a snail. The cane may still be a welcome tool, but hopefully with further learning and improved use!
Habit and Identity
We know ourselves by our habitual reactions, invisible as those habits might be. The mental chatter, muscular responses and emotional textures that we bring to daily life is how we define ourselves. We sometimes even value ourselves by perceived effort rather than by our ease.
There is a story of a little girl with many physical challenges having a lesson with F.M. Alexander. After he had assisted her in restoring an overall balance of tone, she exclaimed to her mother, “Mummy, look! He has pulled me all out of shape!”. She no longer recognized herself in a changed and improved condition, and even believed she was worse despite clear improvement.
One of my pupils observed during her lesson, “My outline has been softened”. The interference that was previously a given state had eased, and the edges between her and not-her had also eased.
My habitual way of being in the world shifted dramatically with my injury. This was not an example of suddenly improved use, but of suddenly challenged use. The activity levels, strength, and associated mind chatter that informed who I was went off-line. As I move through the world now, my identity is suddenly ephemeral, unfixed, undefined. Underlying habits of being have been revealed as they can no longer have physical expression. It is when we relinquish a habit (or are forced to do so) that we become fully conscious of the habit’s breadth and power. Invisibility is the nature of habit. When it is gone, we perceive its ghostly remains.
This is an opportunity, of course, a chance to allow my “outlines to soften”, as my pupil so articulately expressed. I could end-gain my way back to a familiar sense of self, with great effort, but that seems to run counter to the offered opportunity.
I miss myself as I believed I was, and I am doing my best to be open to the new self I will be, with an unfamiliar shape, new mind chatter, and a possibly softer edge between me and not-me. No doubt my previous habits will resume to some extent. My intention is to choose elastic response over habit as much as I am capable, and to bring all this experience to my teaching.
And, I fully intend to run joyously on the wet sand in Kauai in the pre-dawn, with stars reflected in the surf, by December!
Looking Down/Going Up
Weather cleared in Seattle for a few glorious hours today. The mountains to the east and west emerged, banks of clouds raced on the southern horizon, and clear fresh light washed every view in blue. Happily for me, my friend Ann kindly accompanied me on a snail walk to the local grocery store. Her good company and patience reassured me as I faced the scary adventures of crossing a thoroughfare with briefly timed “walk” signs, and stepping up and down some steep curbs. It was a very pleasant walk without any incident, and I learned a few lessons en route.
For obvious reasons, I look down at the sidewalk for any sneaky cracks. I also need to look at curbs as I step up and down to allow my stiff leg to swing appropriately, and to take weight without losing my balance. However, looking down does not mean going down!
Early in study, many Alexander pupils mistake the direction of “sending the head up and forward” to indicate a position of the head, when the intention is quite the opposite. Pupils will sometimes be afraid to look at stairs as they descend, for instance, in case that is “wrong”.
We send the head up and forward not by doing a position but by un-doing any internal or muscular positioning. The head, as long as we are not fixing or collapsing into a position, moves up and forward of the back. You can’t place it there, as that would be fixing. It’s a determined, dynamic non-interference (best learned in Alexander lessons, by the way). And, since “up” is not one interpretation or position, not an answer but a question, the head has myriad options to move up and over and around the top of the spine, if we can just allow it to do so.
We are designed to be able to easily look up at the stars or down at the sidewalk or around to that sudden sound behind us.
So, as I walked with visual awareness of the ground, up and forward could continue to inform me. I didn’t move any faster, but I did experience ease.