hard lessons
With this slow, tedious and often painful recovery, you’d think I would be learning something important. Given that my preferred way of being is one of ease in vigorous activity, the removal of activity seems like some sort of learning. Mostly, I am learning to deal with deep frustration, dismay, depression and pain.
The Alexander Technique, on many levels, is about choosing a conscious response to stimuli. F.M. Alexander explored a stimulus (speaking) that made him go wrong, and then discovered a means of response that was much more productive and expansive. Rather than attending to the specific of speaking, he attended to the whole co-ordination of himself, including his intention and attention. He decided to not make the outcome (speaking) his priority, and instead to choose an entire co-ordination of self.
Applying this principle to my current situation of severely limited mobility involves complex direction of my entire self. F.M. wanted to speak, but had to relinquish that goal to an overall dynamic non-interference (inhibition). I want to be able to move with the grace, ease and delight that I formerly enjoyed. It is a huge challenge for me to relinquish my goal of full mobility and attend, instead, to how I am directing my entire self.
The temptations of despair and depression are very strong, but these involve collapse through my entire psycho-physical being. Then, once I have collapsed, my knee hurts more keenly, and my entire self diminishes. When I choose instead to widen onto the ground so that I can spring up, my knee hurts less and I have an improved emotional experience. The dismay and despair may continue, but in a less dramatic fashion.
I grapple and fight to relinquish the urgency for ease in movement. And, in moments, after many hard lessons, I go up again.