3 years post injury
Patella fracture has required years of dedication to recovery. Happily, I can report that all the dedication has resulted in nearly full recovery in function and ease. As pictured here, I can once again ride a horse, one of my great joys in life. I can also run barefoot on the beach on wet sand as dawn tinges the surf pink. Running on hard surfaces continues to challenge my injured knee.
Alexander principles contributed hugely to my recovery. I had to continuously (and not always successfully!) inhibit pushing to a desired end. Being attentive to process meant choosing professionals to assist me who were Alexander compatible in their approach and thinking. Thus, I was expertly assisted by a terrific Physical Therapist, Heidi Gans, as well as by several incredibly skilled Gyrotonic instructors, Lindsey Burke and Magali Massac. Lessons with Senior Alexander Teachers, especially John Nicholls, aided me tremendously in making the best use of my self even with diminished conditions of self. My extraordinary Osteopathic doctor made a huge difference in his mysterious and effective manner as well. I am deeply grateful for all the highly skilled assistance!
I learned that even with less than ideal conditions, such as one leg in a full brace, I could respond elastically and spring up from the ground, and that I could remain effective as a teacher despite serious injury. In fact, my injury improved my teaching, as my attention to use became more urgent and clear.
It was a rough journey, but a journey of incredible education in the use of my self. Despite predictions to the contrary from my surgeon, I resumed most of my desired activities fully and joyfully. I have a slight reduction in flexion in my injured knee, and the above stated limitation in running on hard surfaces. Given the nature of the injury, these are minor complaints.
The opportunity to work with highly skilled professionals in the interest of my recovery resulted in valued connections and relationships. I not only learned skills that I can convey to my students in terms of applying Alexander principles to injury recovery, but also gathered a bank of professionals to whom I can refer my students with confidence.
Recovery was long and arduous, but yielded many gifts, not the least of which is my deepened patience and understanding of the global personal effect of injury, and the nature of the journey of recovery.
Use of the Self as Caregiver
In addition to my own injury and long term recovery, my husband has been very health challenged for many years. There is no need for me to communicate the details of his condition; suffice to say that I have been in a caregiver role, to lesser and greater degrees, for a long time.
The Alexander Technique provides skills for conscious response to stimulus. Although the Technique is typically perceived in terms of “posture”, F.M. Alexander described his work as “the use of the self” as applied to life’s activities. He viewed the self as an integrated and inseparable whole, and his Technique as applicable to any stimulus.
Caring for an ill partner over the long term requires good use of the self on a continuously changing basis. Sleep may be minimal, worry may be large. The necessary tasks of daily life that were previously shared may be primarily shouldered by the healthier partner. During times of health crisis, the caregiver handles communications with friends and family, medical information and interaction with doctors and nurses, home maintenance and financial balance.
Since use of the self is primary in the Alexander Technique, the challenge for the caregiver becomes how to remain fully effective while also attending to personal well-being. End gaining to care for someone else would result in diminishing the health of the person giving care. The balance of attending to the means-whereby instead of leaping to react to stimulus is delicate and challenging and constantly shifting.
Intention to create conditions for good use of the self as a caregiver must be constantly renewed. This does not mean self-absorption, but a recognition that the demands of caring for an ill partner require best use of the instrument of self for the outcome of clarity and calm. Emotional excess is an indulgent luxury in times of health crisis. A choice must be made for bringing reason to bear with the entire self. Suppression of emotions is also not implied, but, instead, a prioritization of going up more and pulling down less, of dynamically refusing to interfere, of including the entire self with curiosity and attention.
Walter Carrington said that even if the house is burning down around you, it is imperative to request your neck to be free. I would humbly add that it the sincerity of the request that counts, not our limited notions of success. If we can include the instrument of self in the scenario of caregiving, our conditions for effective response may productively improve.
Means whereby: the elephant release campaign
Frustration with delays and lack of strategic effectiveness for the intention of releasing Woodland Park Zoo elephants from horrible zoo conditions to much happier elephant sanctuary continues. Applying principles of dynamic non-interference (requesting internal quiet, allowing the activity to do itself, dynamically remaining present and not determining means in advance of clarity) has not yet resulted in progress for elephant release. How to apply best use of my personal energy and enthusiasm to the intention of elephant release is my current question. The obstacles are enormous (zoo’s political and financial power) and the means of overcoming these obstacles are as yet unknown. Dismay and discouragement are potential outcomes, but then the elephants await some action on their behalf.
Whenever humans gather for an intended outcome, the stimulus for habitual response increases. My own habit is to do something, especially when animal misery is indicated. I had thus become involved with some very dedicated people in hopes of bringing my energy, extensive contacts, and sincere interest to bear on behalf of the elephants. But human groups being what they are, and me being a flawed human with too much doing energy, I have been shushed and dismissed, despite all my good intentions.
And so, I seek other ways and means to serve the worthy intention of elephant release to sanctuary. The means are as yet unclear, but intentions and ideas remain active. If I can’t contribute to an existing campaign, what is my new means of contribution? How can I help build a campaign for political and public support for elephant release while attending to the means-whereby? How do I not pull down and end gain when so very much is at stake?
Meanwhile, on the running and knee recovery subject, I am now able to run several mornings per week with some ease and speed. Relinquishing urgency resulted in success in intention to run again. For the elephants, it is so very deeply challenging to relinquish urgency and allow the means-whereby to reveal itself.
The elephants suffer while the means are discovered.
And back to running..
Just to catch people up who may be reading this blog for the first time: I fractured my patella in a sidewalk fall in February 2009. My recovery from this very serious injury was long and arduous, and included two surgeries, extensive Physical Therapy, Gyrotonic exercise, application of Alexander principles, Osteopathic assistance, and more patience and endurance than imaginable for me previous to injury.
My goal of resuming treasured morning runs has included many bumps and non-starts. Although my recovery has exceeded the expectations of my surgeon, I sought, and continue to seek, full functional recovery. Meaning, I want to run again with ease and joy and good use of myself!
Because my knee was not too happy about running (nerve damage from surgeries, plus structural issues), I took most of the summer off even attempting an activity that was clearly beyond my current condition of self. End gaining to run resulted in numbness in my knee and foot that was distressing. There was no point in pushing beyond these clear signals. So, I have been pursuing vigorous activity via Gyrotonic exercise, a system that is very Alexander compatible. Of course, I also walk miles every day as my means of transport, and teach a very full schedule of Alexander lessons.
Yesterday and today, I went out for desired morning runs just to see what was possible in my current condition of self. The air was fragrant and fresh, numerous birds chattered and called, and the light was gloriously rich. I warmed up by walking with attention to my entire elastic self and to the world outside my self. My intention was to spring up from the ground with ease, and as I accelerated into a rhythmic, gentle run, my injured knee was only mildly challenged. I still can’t manage much distance or speed without pushing use beyond reasonable limits, but was thrilled to be able to run about 1/2 mile without distress or after effects.
Time taken for recovery has clearly had benefits. My entire coordination and overall strength has improved by not running until my whole self was ready and willing. My hope now is to conscientiously increase distance and time with a clear intention to the overall condition of self.
Means of Contribution
In my current dedication to effecting release of Chai, Bamboo and Watoto from dreary zoo conditions to much happier elephant sanctuary in Tennessee, I am doing everything possible from the means-whereby principle. As previously stated, the urgency for the elephants is great and can easily involve end-gaining. I want them released NOW if not sooner. How about today already?
Frustration, dismay, anger at the Zoo’s arrogance and callous disregard of the elephant’s misery could easily derail attending to the means-whereby. Meanwhile, the elephants suffer, and being effective in assisting their release has to be my priority. My anger won’t make a positive difference. The zoo doesn’t care about my anger, and the elephants only want freedom and ease in their lives.
Thus, I gave a benefit day of teaching. All students wrote their checks to the elephant campaign. My students were extraordinarily generous, and I had the wonderful opportunity to teach for a larger outcome. I encourage all Alexander teachers to consider giving a benefit day of teaching for whatever organization speaks to you as worthy of your time and energy. It is truly a win-win scenario.
Applying the means-whereby to a major campaign necessitates good use on many levels. Questions for myself include: how can I best offer my skills and interests to achieve the goal in mind? How can I use my current instrument of self for best outcome? Can I improve the use of my self to make the best contribution?
Given that the facts and details concerning the elephants cause me great emotional distress, how can I prioritize my response to be most effective? And, how do I help create conditions overall for successful outcome?
This is not about me, this is about finding the as yet unknown means-whereby for successful outcome to intention. The use of the self in a comprehensive campaign requires humility, willingness to learn, working with like minded others, acceptance of potential failure, attention to effective process, and a dedication to dynamically allowing new means to reveal themselves.
Just as in an Alexander lesson, in which the student learns a new and effortless response to the stimulus of being moved in and out of the chair, so in a larger context I am learning to allow dynamic effortlessness, surprising means, and a willingness to allow with intention and attention. I am learning the means of contribution, the limits of my urgency, and the conditions required for accomplishing desired outcome of elephant release from zoo to sanctuary.
Impossible Situations for Good Use
There are situations in which all of our best intentions for good use of the self are thwarted, and our skills in response are utterly defeated. Demands can increase to levels that no amount of dynamic non-interference can be effective in pulling down less and going up more. Although this is a dis-spiriting experience, it is a potential reality, and needs to be acknowledged as a possible outcome.
If we, as Alexander teachers and students, find ourselves in situations that challenge our skills in response beyond our capabilities, what then? We can pull down with frustration and distress, or make conscious choices otherwise. Sometimes recognizing our limitation in response to great challenge can indicate the wise choice to remove ourselves from situations that are very difficult for us. And of course, removal from difficult situations is not always possible. Accepting our own limitations is key. If backing off from a challenging scenario is not an option, the least we can do is acknowledge our best intentions and choose to go up as well as we can, without judgement about our success in going up. Forgiveness and patience, an internal request for quiet, are important ingredients in dynamic non-interference. The Alexander Technique does not sell perfection, but instead the notion of allowing a means-whereby, a process, for new solutions to any stimulus.
We have the option of “failing” to respond as would wish but not diminishing our selves further with reaction to perceived “failure”. Refusing to judge, remaining dynamically open, accepting limitations, and being willing for new experience may be the best we can do in very challenging situations. And, in this refusal to layer judgement upon limitation, new solutions may reveal themselves, as well as a potential new experience. Good use involves many layers of the self. Life provides the challenges to explore the myriad layers.
Applying Alexander principles to a charged situation
The Alexander Technique provides skills for response to stimulus, and the potential for consciously considered response in any situation. F.M. Alexander viewed the individual as integrated and inseparable in mental/physical/emotional use. He viewed the self as a whole, and the use of the self as an entirely integrated response.
In my current involvement in effecting release of zoo elephants to sanctuary, many of my habitual reactions are challenged. I am required to shift my use to a new level. The urgency to assist the elephants stimulates my habitual reaction to push, rant, and insist. My habit of response, however, is quite ineffective in achieving my desired results. Thus, I am learning to inhibit (allow a dynamic pause and an internal quiet) to welcome a new, as yet unknown means-whereby.
Today, I went to the zoo to observe the elephants and their keepers. I had the opportunity to engage a zoo docent in conversation. Rather than impose my habitual mode, based in urgency, of confrontation, I quieted and listened, asked questions and listened, engaged instead of confronting. This yielded much information that would have been inaccessible if I was doing my habitual confrontation mode on a subject of urgency. I learned of the docent’s sincerity, and she learned of my sincerity. I did not present myself as an adversary, but as a person who is informed and deeply interested in elephant well-being.
Believe me, I had to step back and quiet myself numerous times during this conversation, but since my priority (like the priority of having a free neck, a long wide back, etc) is in the elephants’ release to sanctuary, it was a necessary choice. Do I want to be right or do I want to be effective? Clearly, being effective is my choice, and thus the best use of myself is required.
Is this easy? No, it is not! Just as in my long, arduous recovery from patella fracture which required 2 and 1/2 years, this project requires patience, willingness for the means to reveal themselves, and a continued dedication to applying Alexander principles to activity.
I learn new ways to quiet and to endure emotional distress, and find new skills in response for a larger priority.
Alexander principles applied to huge obstacles
The campaign to release the elephants confined in the zoo to happy sanctuary involves tremendous opportunities for applying AT principles. My own habitual emotional guarding from any upsetting information about animals has yielded to a new painfully open and more wide ranged emotional experience. Going beyond my habitually closed response has opened my heart, and changed my use of self. In Alexander terms, I have begun to explore the discomforts beyond habitual response. This is not easy, but necessary, as my priority is to make the best use of myself and explore new means-whereby on behalf of the elephants. I could continue to guard and not be effective, or refuse to guard (narrow and shorten) and have a new more effective and satisfying experience.
My more open painfully aware heart requires me to make choices in response that are new to me. The campaign to free Chai, Bamboo and Watoto (not just “elephants”, but individuals with their own needs and preferences as intelligent beings) involves huge obstacles. The Zoo has financial and political resources that far outweigh those of us who advocate for elephant release to sanctuary. The urgency is great, as Chai, Bamboo and Watoto endure miserably limited conditions. My habitual response would be to push, scream, urge and activate, but this reaction is not useful. I have to quiet myself, and look for the means-whereby to reveal itself, while also remaining dynamic in myself. My constant question has become: how can I use myself best to benefit the elephants?
My broken heart has become a surprisingly expanded heart. The habit of avoiding distress was based on fear that I could not survive upsetting information about any animal. Now I have too much information that is deeply disturbing. The fear of too much pain has been vanquished by the necessity to act despite pain. This is a far preferable experience to guarding and not acting. Better to effect change and suffer the emotional distress (and learn to ride that river with new response) than to wait passively for productive change and suffer from not participating.
How to go up more and pull down less in response to an overwhelming set of obstacles is my current challenge. This requires a total response of self on all mental/physical/emotional levels. How to face a wall of resistance without diminishing the instrument of self is my new subject and obsession.
Meanwhile, the elephants suffer, and I can only make my own choices in response to help them. I am writing, speaking, giving a benefit day of teaching, requesting help from many sources, hoping for the means-whereby to reveal themselves in an active fashion.
Thank you to all who have offered help, checks, support! You have also risked heartbreak by knowing enough to act and participate with your entire knowing selves.
Applying AT principles to effect major change
This blog has been thus far dedicated to applying Alexander principles to recovery from injury. Since my recovery has proceeded to a satisfying point, and given that life provides continuing opportunities to learn and grow, the focus of this blog thus changes, with Alexander principles as the primary ingredient.
I live literally across the street from the Woodland Park Zoo. I have been aware for many years that the three elephants confined in the zoo (Chai, Bamboo and Watoto) are unhappy and unhealthy. I have been reluctant to become personally involved in this situation because of my habitual mode of avoiding emotional distress in reaction to animal misery. But, I woke up one night and knew that I must assist the elephants. It was not a decision, it was a knowing. The following day, I emailed one of the very dedicated people who have been advocating for elephant release to sanctuary and offered my help.
The Alexander Technique is about exploring the unknown in our response to stimulus, and finding the means-whereby to accomplish any intention without diminishing the instrument of self. The Technique offers skills in using the instrument of self in a new and unfamiliar manner, and in responding to stimulus consciously.
The stimulus of the project of effecting release of the elephants from zoo to sanctuary immediately evidenced an end gaining response in me. I wanted relief from my extreme emotional discomfort related to the knowledge that Chai, Bamboo and Watoto were suffering. I desired quick results to relieve my own discomfort. But, as an Alexander teacher and student, I recognized that a process, a means-whereby was necessary, and that this was an opportunity to apply principles to activity in an entirely new way for me. A wider view than my own was needed, and a willingness to explore beyond my habit of emotional guarding was key. A trust in larger co-ordination, beyond my own flawed psycho-physical organization, was essential.
And so, I am learning, very painfully, new coping skills. I had avoided heartbreaking details because I thought I could not survive them. The temptation to narrow and shorten in response to very upsetting information has eased somewhat as I recognize the bigger priority of the elephants’ dreary reality and the need to help them with all the energy and attention I can bring to bear. My heart is shattered, and I am learning to live with a shattered heart, and to use myself well even with a very broken heart. Not easy, but necessary.
Thus, remaining open to new experience, having a clear intention, and refusing to end-gain my way to a desired result has provided a wider field of means and awareness. Help has arrived from previously unknown sources. Writing on the elephants’ behalf and speaking on their behalf has required me to make the best use of myself, despite the daunting aspects of this project. I can’t afford to let fear and emotional dismay narrow or shorten me. I am learning new skills in accommodating extreme emotional distress, to communicate clearly without the end-gaining urgency of anger, to accept that a political process requires a frustrating amount of time, and to know that my only choice of any consequence is to use myself well.
The means to achieve my intended goal of elephant release to sanctuary are as yet mysterious. There are many other dedicated people who have worked hard for many years to effect this elephant release to sanctuary. My determination is only deepened by the incredibly daunting obstacles. If I can remain open to new experience, be active without end-gaining, relinquish the need for desired outcome right now (this is the most difficult aspect as the elephants are, again, suffering), and trust that the means will reveal themselves, then perhaps I can be effective in contributing to this productive change.
Newly refined running
During the recent meeting of AmSAT teachers in Las Vegas, I had the wonderful opportunity to experience workshops devoted to the activity of running given by AT teacher and running coach Malcolm Balk.
Malcolm filmed each of us at the start and finish of the workshop. The camera doesn’t lie! We each saw the eveidence of how we were running with inefficient and overly effortful means. It was both dismaying and informative to view how I have been interfering with elastic ease in my running, and needlessly impacting my back and knees!
Malcolm put us through a series of warm-up procedures to get our brains into a new cadence and co-ordination. Working with Alexander principles, and based on his long experience as a running coach, he gave us all an opportunity to re-think running as an activity in a comprehensive manner.
The result, for me, was that the recent disturbing numbness in my injured knee relented to near invisibility. I was able to move vigorously and quickly on level ground and in bare feet without any evidence of undue challenge to my injured knee.
This experience demonstrates, yet again, that finding expert assistance that is consistent with Alexander principles is key to full and vigorous recovery from a serious injury.
I will be trying out this newly refined running and report on my neighborhood morning runs!