During the past few weeks, I have been walking carefully down not so steep hills and walking quickly up very steep hills to strengthen an entire balance of tone with good use and elastic wholeness.  Today, I actually accelerated into a run up two short hills!!!!!

The injured knee was confused, and the uneven strength of my legs was distractingly obvious.  One leg is responsive and elastic, and the other is slow and heavy in response.  New brain maps have to be developed and coaxed.  My gait can only be described as uneven, clunky and unintegrated. All of my Alexander thinking can’t override the results of 18 months of very asymmetrical use.

Knowing all too well the downside of pushing beyond a current condition of self, I am proceeding with care and awareness.  I am resisting (with difficulty) a plan to increase running, attending to the means-whereby, delighting in progress, and accepting whatever pace my morning hill walk reveals.

Old pre-injury habits of use have become more apparent as the fog and distraction of pain and partial function clears.  Having learned from my numerous set backs, I am ever attentive to using myself well as the possibility of more vigorous activity becomes a welcome reality.  I approach all increased activity with a happy curiosity  as to how to light up my entire self with an intention of ease and balance.  I want to dynamically refuse any narrowing or shortening, so as not to imperil my new-found freedom with end-gaining beyond my current condition of self, and yet appropriately challenge myself to increase balanced strength.  It is a finely tuned line to walk, but clearly not impossible.

No, I am not yet running, but I am deeply enjoying morning walks up steep hills (and the necessarily careful walks down hills).  My Gyrotonic sessions have expanded, deepened and refined in explorations of grounding to spring into action with ease and whole self awareness.

This arduous recovery has required time, attention, tremendous assistance from other experts, and a constant application of Alexander principles.  It is nearly impossible for me to imagine recovering from a serious injury without Alexander principles as a deep source of informative intention, or without the guidance of complimentary disciplines.  We are elastically integrated systems, us human animals.  A change anywhere in ourselves means change in our entire selves, for good or for ill.  Whether we are injured or non-injured, our only choice is in our response.

As always, I am grateful to professionals who have assisted me and continue to support my progress.  I am also deeply thankful for my dedicated students, who have witnessed, experienced and been compassionately patient with my long and difficult recovery.  My intention has been, and continues to be, that communication about applying Alexander principles to injury recovery will assist others, for the best outcome of all concerned.

Patience has never been a major aspect of my being.  I am constitutionally restless, over-quick in thinking and in temperament, reactive in nature.  My chosen mode is “go!”, but this lengthy recovery has forced me to a nearly intolerable “slow”.  My tolerance for a reduced pace in being has challenged me at the very deepest levels of self.

The foot pain has thankfully retreated to a murmuring discomfort rather than a crashing interruption.  The deep impatience and overwhelming urgency to run tempts end-gaining beyond my current condition of self.  Having learned the risks of pushing beyond limitations, and yet desperate for the delights of vigorous motion, I have chosen the means-whereby of activity in which I can use myself intelligently.

So, I dress in the early morning as though I am going for a run.  Then, I don’t literally run, but walk my run route (formerly called my “faux run”) with the added detail of walking with vigor up hills.  It is challenging, fun, and an almost run experience.  I can observe my use in energetic movement, hear birds, see trees and flowers, smell the morning marine air, disperse my excess emotional energy, allow thinking to quiet to a dull roar.

Walter Carrington’s wise advice that one always has time to attend to use of the self takes on a larger meaning with a long term recovery from injury.  I struggle with allowing time, but acceptance, and an intention for dynamic non-interference (inhibition) are the only tools that are effective for me.

One of these mornings, I will spontaneously accelerate into a run.  Time will blur and slow, distance will minimize, and an exhilarated sense of being will renew itself like the wind.

More clarity was revealed when I saw my Osteopathic doctor this week.  Dr. Bensky determined that the forcible (and necessary) immobilization of my leg during hardware removal surgery had diminished the elastic response of that leg, so that the foot had few choices but to become painfully inflamed.  The forcible fixing of my leg also instigated  back spasms, as my entire self had to accommodate unnatural stabilization.

From an Alexander point of view, this makes great sense, as F.M. Alexander saw the entire self as integrated, and all responses interwoven and inseparable.

After Dr. Bensky’s work on me, my back became temporarily far more painful, then much better.  I had the opportunity to visit with Walker the horse, a very handsome and sweet-natured animal.  He was patient with my painful condition, and also a bit alarmed by my sudden needs to accommodate pain.  Horses don’t miss any detail in human coordination!

My foot has improved significantly.  I can walk now with only minor pain, and have hopes that even this discomfort will quiet with good use and expert intervention.

Hope returns for continued recovery to full and pain free mobility.  It has been a very long journey, and possible in progress with assistance from skilled and like-minded professionals of several disciplines.  The big lesson continues:  attend to the entire  self so that specific results occur from improvement of the whole condition of self, and the manner of use supporting the improvement of whole self condition.

Applying Alexander principles of a wider attention and an intention for overall elastic response has made my pain-informed life tolerable.  When I am teaching lessons or workshops, and thus very much attending to a larger view, without in any way repressing pain signals, pain takes a background seat.

There is also the pain, which is much more difficult for me, of not being able to move as I would prefer.  How to apply Alexander principles to this emotional discomfort is still hit and miss for me.  In the notion of whole self elastic coordination and choice in response, I can refuse to narrow or shorten, and quiet myself in reaction to emotional dismay.  The strong intention to remain lengthened and widened, on the ground and springing up, increases respiratory freedom and quiets my mind chatter.  I can see the larger view of recovery, in moments, and rejoice.  Then, I struggle again and despair.  When will I be able to run or even walk with ease again?  The battle continues, with no known outcome that is yet clear.

As an Alexander Teacher who has experienced a dramatic injury and an ensuing long term recovery,  I can view the benefits of Alexander skills from a very personal viewpoint.  My education as a teacher gives me a valuable perspective of the whole elastic response, whether ideal or disrupted by injury, as key in recovery from injury.  The Alexander Technique could not in any way heal my knee directly, nor address compensatory muscle patterns in a direct manner.  The Alexander Technique is always indirect in solutions.  Improving the harmonious balance in response, and the manner of response with the entire self, has the potential to improve the condition of self.  Even with my diminished and very challenged condition of self post injury, I was able to return to teaching in a short amount (two weeks!) of time.  We can make the best of even  very difficult coordination challenges with a wide attention to entire use, rather than specific attention to fixing of parts. Indeed, specific fixing of parts limits overall response, and thus overall recovery.

My recent experience of severe foot pain illustrated these principles.  Although I could have attended primarily to the painful foot, I knew that the location of discomfort and the cause of discomfort are rarely the same. After I calmed my panic and distress, I realized that my foot was simply the weakest part of a system that had become unbalanced.  Since I was born with an inwardly rotated leg, my pelvic support and leg-back coordination has always been compromised.  After years of studying and teaching the Alexander Technique, this imbalance had improved to quite functional levels.  The patella fracture, and the ensuing leg brace, had renewed my original imbalance to a marked degree.  There are limits in what I can ask of my neuro-muscular system, even with best possible use. My foot expressed imbalance to a painful degree.  Other assistance to re-establish a level of structural integrity was needed.  Thus, I have sought intelligent Physical Therapy, osteopathy, and the integrated exercise approach of Gyrotonic.

The Alexander Technique cannot solve every physical difficulty, nor is it intended to do so.  Compatible disciplines that assist in shifting structural interference, combined with Alexander skills, yield results that are comprehensive.

I might not be walking at all, whether my injury had occurred or not, but for Alexander skills of intention and attention with the whole self.  And that being said, finding professionals with Alexander compatible awareness of the entire self in response have been necessary for continuance of recovery.  In the big picture, all are interwoven, integrated and necessary.  Attention to the whole self is key, and indirect solutions work best.

After our Gyrokinesis exploration, Lindsey and I walked to my home together.  Just a few days ago, I could barely walk a few blocks without severe pain.  Yesterday, I walked the uphill mile home at a decent pace with relative ease.

Given the whole elastic system of tonal response that we each maintain through use, habit, activity, belief and structure, no specific area of discomfort can be isolated in cause or resolution, unless a specific trauma (patella fracture, for instance) has occurred, and even then an overall response of choice and tone is necessary for renewed function.  I knew, both intuitively and as an Alexander teacher, that my foot pain was due to overall structural and elastic rebalancing after the knee hardware was removed.  Since the motions of Gyrotonic and Gyrokinesis so improved the comfort of my foot, and without directly addressing my foot, and since my foot rarely hurts when I teach (when my use is at its hopeful best),  it seems obvious that a larger solution of improved elastic response would benefit my foot.  My incredibly gifted PT Heidi agreed with my assessment.  She observed many shifts and fixing of pelvic and back support that would potentially impact foot response, and helped me to unravel a bit, with subtle and skilled manual guidance, and without directly forcing any shape or postural mode.

The result?  I walked a mile to friends’ home in lovely Summery weather and back again with only minor pain.  I remained more aware of the ground as support for my upward response but forced nothing (dynamic non-interference).  I delighted in walking, which was more than enough.

Yesterday, I had the delightful experience of a private Gyrotonic session with Magali Messac, Master Gryotonic Trainer.  Magali also takes Alexander lessons with me, and is thus aware of Alexander thinking about undoing into activity.  Magali, as a former dancer of much renown, has experienced injury and recovery.  She knows from personal experience the urgency I express to become active and strong in my participation in life.  She also knows that I end-gain to achieve, and can spot this tendency with great perception and accuracy.

Magali expertly guided me through a challenging and joyous 90 minutes of exercise that did not stress my poor foot.  I emerged invigorated, renewed, energized and thrilled.

I decided to direct myself after this very happy experience to walk and move as though my foot was not an issue.  I am not suggesting that I ignored or suppressed pain.  Instead, I refused to expect pain, or to compensate from that potential expectation, and to begin to welcome a more upright and widened overall response.  I chose to believe in my graceful possibility, and to be willing to stop and re-direct if pain indicated doing so.

Then, this morning, I attended a Gyrokinesis class given by Kelly Reynolds.  Kelly is a wonderful teacher.  She and I know one another not only from her terrific Gyrokinesis classes, but as student and teacher in the Alexander Technique.  Kelly has taken many Alexander lessons with me, and also was a trainee on my teacher certification course, until her life’s needs compelled her to pursue other activities.

Kelly’s class was, as usual, energetic, rhythmic, and really fun.  Since the hardware removal from my knee, I can do much more of the class without discomfort.  I had to accommodate my foot to some degree, but was joyously able to challenge myself with care and attention.

For any or all of the above reasons, or for reasons that are mysterious to me, my foot hurt far less today.  I was able, with a much slower pace than I would prefer, to go downtown for various errands.  A limp still informs my walking, but pain is quieter and movement is easier.

So, there is hope on the horizon of this up and down landscape.  I may encounter more rocky bits, but will allow hope to inform me as I proceed onward, my use as a constant choice, and my chosen professionals as guides.

My foot still hurts a lot with any extended walking, but less than in previous days.  Today, I was able to walk to my local coffee shop, slowly and carefully.  Then, I took a bus (I would have normally walked this distance with ease) to the Gryotonic studio. Although I was annoyed not to be able to walk there without pain, I was deeply thrilled to explore non-weight bearing activity, once I was there, and to move vigorously and consciously.  I could think with my whole self, and experience rhythm and challenge in activity without compromising my foot.

Later, when  I went for a walk in the lovely Summer day with my cane for help, I noticed that  if I attended in a whole fashion to my length and width (requesting quiet, refusing to narrow or shorten, asking for width and length, refusing to check on results),  my foot hurt far less, or at the least, I reacted to foot pain with minimal overall contraction.

At least I can walk a little bit.  My slow and careful pace, and the required attention to whole self use, gives me an opportunity to notice the world at a reduced pace.  Birds and foliage and clouds all register with more significance when I am forced to move with care and a very slow pace.  It seems like I already learned this lesson earlier in my recovery, but I guess there must be more to learn.

February 18 2009:  fractured patella in a sidewalk fall

February 19 2009:  emergency surgery to repair patella.  Bone was stabilized for healing with two pins and figure 8 hardware. I was sent home with a full leg splint immobilizing leg into full extension.

March 4 2009:  leg splint removed and replaced with a full leg Bledsoe brace; leg in full extension (no knee flexion whatsoever)

March 5 2009:  returned to teaching private lessons and directing teacher training course with fully extended leg brace; cane required for any walking.

April 1 2009:  30 degrees flexion allowed in Bledsoe brace

April 15 2009: 60 degrees flexion allowed in Bledsoe brace; began PT

April 30 2009:  Bledsoe brace removed; cane relinquished, careful walking resumes

May 8 2009:  resumed Gyrotonic exercise with careful and expert guidance

August 12 2009:  released from surgeon’s care

May 25 2010: hardware surgically removed from knee, resulting in far less pain and much increased mobility.

June 1 2010:  resumed teaching post surgery, as well as walking to work and other destinations with great ease and joy

June 23 2010:  excruciating foot pain begins to limit walking

July 2 2010:  foot pain results in back spasms that make even simple mobility impossible

July 7 2010:  metatarsalgia (extreme inflammation and pain in ball of the foot) diagnosed, likely due to increased mobility post hardware removal surgery.  Cane required for even limited walking, even at home.

So, here I am a year and nearly 5 months after the original injury.  Obviously, as evidenced by the above time line, recovery is not in any way linear in progression.  This current set back is depressing and dismaying beyond tolerance. I had been hoping to resume my morning runs by Autumn; now, I am desperate just for walking capability.

Having endured so many levels of pain, and the deeper psychic pain of immobility (movement having been both my joy and my coping strategy), my patience and tolerance for discomfort is utterly spent.

Thankfully, I can teach, an activity I treasure and deeply enjoy.  Now, if I can just (please!!) walk to work and home again, I will be gratefully overjoyed!  Enough already!  How much can a constitutionally active person endure?