It is now seeming like a given that if I experience exhilarating progress, I will also endure setback. Thus, for no explainable reason this week, no massage, no excessive activity of any sort, my knee swelled to a point of immobility, pain increased to a very high level, and simple activities became hugely challenging once again. After 9 months of recovery, my tolerance and patience for pain, immobility and dependence on others has thinned to a shred. Returning to needing a cane to walk and assistance to dress is nearly unendurable after some months of nearly normal mobility and independence.
I have to remind myself, with this renewal of pain and immobility, that this current condition is temporary. I can teach well and easily without pain because I attend to a bigger picture of self, use my entire elastic system, and focus far less on sensation when I am teaching. I don’t in any way suppress or diminish pain as information, but instead take that information as part of a wider field of input. I use myself as well as possible so that pain is not an issue.
Given my current level of frustration, anger and depression with this setback, you would think that I could bring the use of myself while teaching to daily non-teaching activities, like walking to work (currently using a cane, again). But I am a flawed and frustrated human, and I just can’t, don’t want to, and I rebel and protest instead, like a child who wants to run but can’t yet manage the coordination.
This setback provides an insight into the experience of people far more injured than I who have to endure even longer recovery patterns than mine. If I have run out of patience with all my Alexander tools and excellent professional resources, if I am battling depression and hopelessness, how do people without these tools even begin to cope?
Thus, I humbly continue with my refusal to shorten or narrow, with my request to widen and lengthen, and with a deep hope for reprieve from pain and immobility.